Jayekin’s “Say what you want” bloggy

I’m depressed.. I think…

1. I get emotional over very little things.

2. I get cranky.

3. I’m having my Monday Blues right now.

4. I have thoughts of crossing the road while the cars are still moving my way.

5. I don’t want to work at all - Work refusal.

6. I haven’t done anything worth mentioning since I’ve arrived at work though I have a lot of things to do.

7. I haven’t done anything worth mentioning or being proud of in my whole fucking life.

8. I’m tired of what I’m doing right now.

9. I wanna change my life and am clueless where to start at or with.

10. I feel like crying.

11. I bought my favourite things and I’m still not happy.

12. Work life sucks big time.

13. I can’t think straight.. My thoughts are jumbled up. (Just need to read above thoughts).

14. I dun have time for myself… My weekends are always fillled up.. I need TIME!!!!!! Yeah right.. And I’m the one who planned the weekends.

15. My mind’s filled with questions I dun have answers for.

16. Am I going MAD?????????????????????????

I wished and wished till my heart bled dry…

Of crimson tears, I cry and cry…

Couldn’t she understand that it’s time to let me fly?

That it’ll be difficult to cage me, and that I’d just might die?

I know she wants me safe, I know she cares for me…

But what about my life? The dream I have in me?

I’m not one to be caged, I’m not one to be told what to do…

I prefer my own ways, to just be true…

Is it so difficult to understand me… That you would say such hurtful words?

That you weren’t even aware of, of what had been uttered?

You said I hurt you by my actions, but what have you done?

Hurtful phrases, that cannot be undone…

You made it sound like I was a hindrance, a burden to you..

But never a word was said about the other, which makes me confused…

So I’m the only one that gives you trouble..

I’m the only one that you couldn’t understand…

But have you ever tried to do just that, understand my plans?

You said what I did would break your trust in me,

But have you trusted me, ever… truly..?

Throughout the years, I’ve never felt the trust…

The actions you’ve shown did nothing but saddens me…

I may not be the best of the two of us,

However, I have dreams and wishes I would like to discover…

Not wanting to sit down five years later,

“What have I done with my life, how many years wasted?”

On one hand to please you, the other the urge to flee…

To know more about the world and the wonders that besiege..

To gain knowledge through travels

To find meaning in life…

And finally, be able to settle down and say, “The wonders there are to see… ”

That’s all that I ask.. Tis difficult to see?

Did I ask for the world to bow down to me?

A simple request turns to tragedy..

Not that big, but enuf to make both parties disagree…

Sigh…

I wished I was born a boy, yet I’m proud to be a girl..

I wished the other would be more pro-active and out-going,

But that’s really out of HIS character…

If wishes were horses, den beggars would really ride…  

I wish, I wish, I wish… Will my wish ever thrive?

Life’s a bloody bitch and you dun even need to die for it.. BLOODY HELL!!!!

I just wish there’s a place for me to hide,

A place to just chill away,

To get away from all the confusion..

What am I? Who am I?

A puppet or a person?

What’s my purpose in living?

What life do I have?

Do I even own it?

This body that I have? Who does it belong to if not me?

Am I a bloody puppet to be told what to do?

I’m not a dog, I’m not an animal…

I’m a human being with feelings..

A need to fly, to be independent…

Was it too much to ask? Was my request so selfish?

Am I inhumane to ask for something so small?

Was I unfeeling when I made that request?

I didn’t think about other people’s feelings.. Just my own.. I’m that selfish, huh?

Am I not allowed to be who I am?

Should I forever be cooped up in this shell that I built years ago?

Isn’t it time to let go, even just a little?

Just a little request, and it went this far…

God, I wished…. I have so many and couldn’t even fulfill them…

Everything is about how others feel.. what abt me?

Has anyone asked what I want, what I feel?

Since I defied, didn’t tell because I was scared, I’m branded as unfilial?

What about what I had sacrficed just to make you happy?

You talked about how YOU made sacrifices, how you toughed it out when you were younger…

Can’t you see that times have changed?

You said you didn;t wanna be like her, but aren’t you dong the same thing that she did?

First you said that I’m a girl, that there are some things that shouldn’t be done because I am one.. den you said you dun look at gender.. so which one is it, really?

You feel so strongly about how others look at you and your family..

Do you think I care?

I am ME… I made myself as such… I dun need to care how other people look at me… It doesn’t matter what they think cos they are still going to form their own opinions.. So damn them!!

God.. I’m so tired… So tired fighting for myself…

Should I be a bloody puppet and listen to you just to make you happy?

YOu said you have trust in me.. Have you ever really did?

Cos honestly, I never did think so… Not when it came to decisions abt my own life…

You didn’t think I noticed that you disapproved of some of my frens before? Didn’t you think I wouldn’t realise? Everytime I wanna go out with them, you made faces? You disapproved?

I just kept quiet… Didn’t wanna say much…

But haven’t these years told you something?

I’m not that easily influenced… I’m not that weak…

I live life the way I think I should live it… Is it so wrong?

Am I even not allowed to take charge of my own path, my own life?

I just want to get away from all this..

I wish I could just disappear… Wouldn’t that be good?

Since I’m such an unfilial person, shouldn’t I just disappear from this life?

Den I wouldn’t be such a bother to you, rite?

Cos really, rite now, as you have said, I am such a bother to you…

Since I dun wanna listen to you and insist to have my own way…

Why dun I just disappear? That’ll just make your life much easier to live…

Then you wouldn’t fall sick because of me and make me feel so guilty because of it…

Cos all I had ever done was to make you sick….

I’m just soo very tired… Of life and living and fighting for what I think should be mine…